I feel almost ashamed to write it down, but it’s true… I took the 19th pregnancy test today in 2 years time. It starts to feel a bit like a routine.
In the beginning I would take every test together with my husband. But after doing that for 6 months (and 6 tests) I preferred to take them alone, so I can be alone with my feelings afterwards for a bit and because I feel a bit embarrassed. Until today, all 19 tests were negative… so I guess that makes me infertile. I am struggling with this thought and I have to say that I find it an awful word: ‘infertile’. It sounds like a very hard verdict: as if I can be 100% sure that I will never be able to get pregnant. The ‘in’ in front of the ‘fertile’ bothers me, because it sounds like the opposite. Like ‘patient’ and ‘impatient’, ‘friendly’ and ‘unfriendly’. Fertile: you’re able to have children. Infertile: you’re able to have children… I am not giving up so fast and I am not calling myself infertile. Maybe just ‘less fertile’ or not so effortlessly fertile… but still fertile, until proven otherwise.
Every month, I try to wait until my period starts or should start, to avoid taking pregnancy tests all the time. (Because 1: it’s not really motivating to have the negative test outcome all the time and 2: they are expensive! 19 times expensive = very expensive), but since my cycle varies greatly and it can be between 27 and 35 days, this really is hard for me… almost torture. I try to be patient and try not to think too much about maybe finally not having my period (Mission impossible) And almost every month… mostly around day 28 or 29, I crack and take the bloody test again. 😂
More on this note, sometimes I have the feeling that trying to become pregnant, is a pure mind game. The harder I try to relax and not to think about it, the more I actually think about it. 🤷🏻♀️ Everyone tells me stories about couples who were trying for ages to become pregnant… who were really too focussed on it and when they finally decide to let it go, they become pregnant… Hopeful and inspired by this, I already ‘let go’ a couple of times myself… 😉 for example, I try to tell myself that this month is not a good month to become pregnant, because I:
*have to go to the dentist in 2 weeks and they might have to do some sedation
* want to have sushi or some cocktails next month.
*just changed jobs and getting pregnant now would be pretty bad timing
So for one of these reasons, or any other one… I tell myself that I will ‘let go’… Allthough I try to trick my body and mind, of course they know damn well I am not actually letting go, since I will still want to know when I’m ovulating and will want to casually have sex on and close to this date. (And stay still, minimum for 10-15 minutes with my legs in the air after sex) 😂 so doesn’t really seem like letting go so far.
The next months will become quite exciting again. We still have one embryo in the freezer from our first IVF cycle, waiting to be transferred back in my body. Since I had my excision surgery, to remove my endometriosis in March, the surgeon had asked me to wait at least 6-8 months before turning to IVF again. He (together with us) hoped that I would get pregnant naturally before then… so far, we are 6 months passed the surgery now and October will be the last month where we will be trying to conceive naturally. in November, we want to plan in the transfer of the embryo, if all goes well.
Until then, I will continue to ‘let go’, not think about getting pregnant too much and I will definitely NOT take another pregnancy test next month. 😂